How to Make Somebody Laugh/Happy

Do you do your best to make your friends, relatives or anybody laugh but without success? If yes, you must learn/use the right tactics to let make it happen. To make your intention into reality, you must learn the mandatory steps.

So here we are sharing those important steps to let you learn this:

Step 1: Mood
If you are in good mood doesn't mean that the other person is also in the same mood. You should learn or sense their mood to successfully make them laugh. Don't forget the rule of "Right thing at right time". So if you say joke when they are in normal mood, you will be thorough.

Step 2: Conversation:
To make the other person happy, you must start conversation slowly and make open ended questions so that they can also involve. And the moment, they go familiar, you play your jokes to make them laughing.

Step 3: Interest:
If I love swimming and you talk about how dangerous the water it. I may contradict. So to make anybody smiling, you must know their interest and talk accordingly. The right flow and the right way of talk will help you win their interest which will lead to loads of laugh.

Step 4: Material:
Do you have enough material in your talks/mind to drag anybody's attention. This comes with homework to fill lots of talking material. When you have much topis and gossips in your mind, you will not let the silent overtake you. Bear this in your mind.

Step 5: Timing
The above mention quality is very much needed to have fun and let other involve. When you say right thing taking care of timing, I bet they can not stop their laughter at all. This is what comedians are known for. So whether it is you, stand up comedians or actors - timing is much important.

That is it and you are done. Rest is withing yourself. I appreciate you intention because making anybody cry is very easy but the tough task is to make somebody smiling. Your good task will leave you mark in everybody's heart and they will never ever forget you. When they smile because of you, you get a special feeling and satisfaction. Your sense of humor will be appreciated and your polite way and good communication skill gonna work well.

Stay tuned for more enjoyable coming on way. Wish you a very good life and great journey.

11 Jokes You Must Share Once in Short Life

Life is small and it flies like dust from fist so to make maximum out of it, here are awesome collection of 11 funny jokes a human being must share/read/hear in life. It gonna give you/your listener an amazing sense of humor with big fountain of laughter.

Here we go:

Husband: I seems like you put excess salt in vegetables.
Wife: Please, salt is accurate, vegetables are less. I told you to bring sufficient quantity.
Moral: Wife is always right!

I am not short..
I am built close to the ground for speed and accuracy.

Helmet and wife are similar:
Your life is saved as long as you keep them on your head!:)

Why they keep gap between engagement and marriage?
Because you can not blame that you have not given a chance to escape!!

H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K.
Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge..

I shared a chemistry joke..
But..
There was no Reaction!

Why did Adele crossed the road?
To say hello from other side.

In marriage: Bride's X-boyfriend also came..
Father: Who are you?
X: I am out after playing semi final.. Now here to see the final!

What do you call fake noodle?
an impasta!

Guess, who I saw today?
Who?
Everybody I looked at! :))

I miss you like an Idiot misses the point!

That is it. Thirst for more? You are welcome to read come here often read our the refreshing stuff.

Jokes - Let the Life Enjoy

Laugh a lot, keep having fun and Enjoy - these lines are the most listened lines in life. Ever you wonder why:
people keep saying this?
The simple answer is..
'Life is being given to enjoy, laugh and live at fullest'
Yes, if we are live on this earth, we must laugh because:
Laughter is best medicine
and
It keeps lots of problems away from us.
It also makes us strong and likable.

So now the question is how to do it or how to have it?
Well, there are many ways to have it i.e.
reading and sharing Jokes,
Entertainment shows on television,
Playing with kids and
Doing what you love.

Among all the above ways, my favorite one is Sharing Jokes.So let me share some new good funny most interesting jokes to opens up your mood and to give you opportunity to give to big laugh:

1. How do you make group of lawyer smile in a pic?
Say feeeeees!

2. A dude is sitting at a bar, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The girl next to him says, "Wow, that's a really amazing watch.""Thanks," says the guy, "It has got amazing technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically.""Rubbish," says the girl."No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on.""Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on.""Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it is an hour fast!"

3. Today evening, I was badly slapped by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her breasts when she said, "would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that...

I know 3 are not enough and you want to read/search more. See, how badly your heart and mind needs them. This was just an example. The more you read, the more you would like to read! In a short, each part of our body needs the exercise of smile so do not keep yourself awaited.

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I'm waiting you...

Share these Jokes for making your day wonderful

Once a scientific just got married just to understand what is marriage!
Now he is not getting understand - what is science!

Wife: Please share those 3 magical word..
Husband: I Love you?
Wife: No
Husband: I Like You
Wife: No
Husband: I Miss You
Wife: No
Husband: It my mistake!
Wife: So nice of you :)

One man keeps on eating in marriage:
The other man asks: Til when you continue eating?
Man: I am also wondering but in invitation, it was written: Dinner 7 to 11 pm!

Boy to girl: Ashamed, you are a girl and drink alcohol?
Girl: So what do you expect? Should I change my gender for this?

In past years, people who leave and sacrifice their everything known as priest.
But now they are know as 'Online'

Best Jokes for 2016

Welcome in new year 2016 and we must welcome it with loads of smile which can be sourced from our best jokes here. This whole year and all 12 months, we wish and hope that you keep on laughing and enjoying. May your life be filled with lots of enjoyable moments. Our jokes section is little efforts of doing so! Enjoy..

Girl to his lover: Today my brother saw me with you on your bike!
Boy: OMG, Now what?
Girl: They took my travel money back! You know my family is very strict.


What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!

Girls only calls me ugly until they find out how much money I make....
Then they call me ugly and poor...

What is green, fuzzy and if it is fell out of tree, it can break your head!
Pool table..

The thief broke into my house last night.. They started searching for money so I wake I joined them in search!

If olive oil is made of olives then baby oil is made of ....

Thant crazy moment when you can't finish a line because you are laughing so hard about ending!

Every family has a weird relative.. if you don't know who it is..probable=y it is you..

Stop.. you are under a rest!

Every time I plan to eat something better, I hear my stomach laughing.

Men to the left because women are always right!

My boss told me: Have a good day!
So I I went home!

Me? Mature... Haha . I still laugh when the ketchup bottle farts!

If they don't want sarcastic answer then don't ask for stupid questions.

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is always going to suck.

I think I want a job of cleaning mirror..because it is something I see myself doing!

She said -
Books or Me?"
I still remember her sometimes when I buy a book!

New New Jokes

Here we come again with new new jokes to let you smile more, enjoy more and share more laughter for good day and goo life.


Wife joins English speaking class and after few days:
Wife to husband: Welcome home darling.
Husband: Thank you, but I am so tired today.
Wife: Ok, No probs, 'REST IN PEACE' :(


In marriage, no matters how many VIP comes..
The most important person is who owns the Key of car in which alcohol is stored.


Welding and wedding - what s ye difference between both?
In welding, first it sparks than things stick forever
but
In marriage, it is opposite. Here first you stick than lifetime it sparks.. :)

When there is no trust in relationship and no internet in smartphone....than...
people start playing Games..

Friend, please tell me - a good girl to marry.
Yes, i know a girl of B Com
Don worry about COM, but she must be married and smart!

Mom: Tomorrow, girl side people are coming to final
Boy: Mom, but our thinking is not matching..
Mom: So what, even our thinking is not matched with you, but still you are with us from last 30 years!!

Your feeling and confusion when guest offer you some money and your parents stop you!


Don't try to understand women.
Only women can understand women and...
they hate each others.

Mother: What should I do. Wherever I keep my money, my son steals. I am clueless.!
Me: Idea, Just keep it safe in his books. e never touches them.

How to make your wife satisfy & happy . . . .!

Do you think it is difficult, not really, but you just need to be:

1. a friend
2. a father
3. a man
4. a chef
5. an electrician
6. a companion
7. a lover
8. a brother
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a psychiatrist
13. a healer
14. a good listener
15. an organizer
16. a good father
17. Tolerant
18. Prudent
19. Ambitious
20. Capable
21. Courageous
22. Determined
23. True
24. Dependable
25. Passionate
26. Compassionate
27. Very clean
28. a decorator
29. a stylist
30. a charmer
31. a gynecologist
32. a psychologist
33. a bug exterminator
34. Sympathetic
35. Athletic
36. Warm
37. Attentive
38. Gallant
39. Intelligent
40. Funny
41. Creative
42. Tender
43. Strong
44. Understanding


AND, WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

AND, VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food
* her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes
---------------------
And Now,

HOW TO MAKE HUSBAND HAPPY

Just leave him alone or with his friends.....with his TV remote and mobile phone...and his favourite drink.....And he'll be happiest person on the earth..

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow�
Love,

Mom

New Series of Latest Jokes

Time continues so our efforts of adding good jokes too. Here presenting the new series of very funny/fresh jokes to let you experience again that uncontrollable laughter in very short span of time. Humor exists in every human being but it needs to be dragged out and our contents do the same. They awaken your inner crazy kid and when you go through them, you never know when you dip into the ocean of fun.

Here we go:

Do wrong positions in make our result an ugly baby?
Ask your parents!

I always keep my dream alive so whenever it alarms - I press the snooze buttons.

If things goes too well and smoothly, I doubt there must be something wrong.

I always forget that I really have such an terrible memory.

A new research reveals that an average person spends 10 hours a week. Me: Do they mean every day?

There is an app on my phone which makes you look so fatty, it is camera!

Did you know where my dog went when it loses its tail?
Retail store

I am really apologies not to come at your party tonight because I really have to get up early in tomorrow afternoon!

You know Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they come wet and wild and they leave with your house and your car.

At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn�t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don�t give me anything. (George Wallace)

Animals may be our friends. But they won�t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)

11 Crazy Jokes on Drinkers

In quest of find the good jokes and after doing lot of research, finally we are here to release 11 funny jokes to point out on drinkers that you can always share to change the mood.
Here you go:

Once a cow swallows a mobile and she goes crazy. Whenever mobile rings, she starts running like hell.
Finally a smart man suggested that better to take that cow out of coverage area.. Intelligent..


Who say drinkers are not in their senses.?

Two man were full after having 5 pags and walking on rail track..

One said: I never walked so many stairs in my life.
Second said: That is ok and side rods are so down..

If social media were school, I would get certificate for full attendance.

Once a drunker dies due to excess intake of alcohol.
See his dedication, when he was about to die, he stated that Whiskey was strong but his lever was very weak!

Man: Ok, it you offer a donkey a glass of water and a glass of wine, what he will prefer?
Friend: Water, because he is donkey!

Police stop a man and ask: where are you going at 1:00 clock in night?
Man: I am going to attend a lecture on side effects of drinking.
Police: So late, who gonna give you lecture?
Man: My wife.

Man: Knocks at his door.
Wife opens and he asks his wife: who are you?
Man: Alcohol makes you forget every tension.

Drinker donates his eyes.
Doctors asks that you want to say anything?
Man: Yes, who will use just ask him that eyes open after 2 drinks.

Man to waiter: What is hottest thing you have?
Waiter: Noddles
Man:" More Hot
Waiter: Soup
Man: More hot
Waiter Boiled water
Man: More hot
Waiter: Fire
Man: Ok get it, I need to burn my cigarette.

Your answers to funny jokes queries

People often search for jokes but many times they do not find what they actually search for, but this page and even this whole blog is made to serve you with the world's best jokes with newest updates, so just relax and enjoy!


Doctor: Do get up early in the morning and exercise.. This is the best mantra mantra for long life.
Man: But see that Chicken, gets up very early morning but in the evening - finish...

---

Man to Friend: I want to give my girlfriend a good gift.
Friend: Diamond Ring?
Man: Nope, something which she has never wear earlier..
Friend: Gents Underwear...

---

Boyfriend playing with her girl hairs and fainted..
When he opened his eyes after s20 minutes..
He requested hi girlfriend..Please have regular bath..

---

2 women sentenced for 20 years in one imprison.
After their freedom, they come out of prison and spoke one another...
Ok bye, rest of the talks we will have on call.

---

Yesterday, I got invitation card of my Ex-Girlfriend!
Felt little pain....
Then made my mind to go...
Because love has it own place and love for food has its own...

----

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Afur
Afur who?
I fur got my joke!

----

Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they come wet and wild and they leave with your house and your car..

---

Q. How do you make seven an even number?
A. Simple, just take the s out!

Jokes and Funny Lines You Can't Afford to Miss

Often, in the tight schedule of daily, we skip the laughter but it is not good. SO here we come with good jokes to be read in short time. So enjoy and spread. Hurray!


I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks �Are you reading that?" I didn�t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).


These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can�t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)


I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, �Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you�re the funniest guy I�ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night you�re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

9 Super Light Jokes

Life is all about laughing as much as possible, but you must need a reason to have a good laugh! Don't worry, here are top 9 light hilarious funny jokes to help in doing it. Do share them further to continue the wave of fun keep surrounding the world!

1. Wife: I can fight the whole world for you!
Husband: All the the time, you keep on fighting with me!
Wife: The lovely price, you are my whole world! :)

2. Man to 2 boys: You both look good, what is your relation?
Guy: We have very far relation?
Man: How?
Guy: He is my younger brother.
Man: So how, he is very close relative..
Guy: No, there is six more brother before him!

3. You look so beautiful in your profile pic.
Girl: I am good designer.

4. Man: Wife is missing!
Officer: Are you blind. It is post office, just go to police station.
Man: Ops, sorry, I got mad due to excess happiness!

5. I never made a mistake, I think I did it once but I was wrong!

6. Man: I am not getting married:
Priest: You can not do it, there is lot of happiness written in your fate!

7. Man: How is my son in studies?
Teacher: He is great, it feels like the invention of 0 is just for him!

8. Friend: Where are you going?
Me: Just washroom to enlighten myself. It is I will not

9. Teacher: Again, you have not did your homework, tell, what punishment should I give you?
Guy: That girl has not also did it, lock us both in bathroom!

Best Time Pass Jokes

We come here again with best ever time pass jokes to make sure that your smile never stops.


Here we go...

Girl: Dad, I want to share one important thing with you.
Dad: Ok, tell me.
Girl: I am in love with a guy. He lives in U.S.A.
Dad: But where you met?
Girl: We met on a dating website.. become friend through social media, he proposed me on Skype..
then we chatted a lot on messaging app..
Father: oh really. Then you both can get married on twitter... go on honeymoon on travel site, get kids through shopping site, and receive them through gmail..
And moreover.....if you further feel your decision is wrong... sell it reseller website...


Husband: Shouts and yells ay wife.. I am calling you from last one hour.. Why do not you pick the call?
Wife: I was dancing on ring tone.

One fat man reads the newspaper ans notices the advertisement of - Fat Reduce Program!
He call and girls replies: Ok.. Get ready in the morning at 5 AM.
Morning, his door bell rings and he opens the door. A pleases to see a beautiful girl which jogging suit.
The girl asks him if you want to kiss me - catch me and she runs.
The fat guy runs after her..
This happens for a week and he reduces his weight by 5.0 kgs.
He again participates in 10.0 kg weight reduce program.
The next morning very beautiful girls knocks the door and asks him if if wants a hug and kiss, catch.
Again, this goes for a week and he successfully reduces 10.0 kgs.
Now he become greedy and participates in 20.0 kgs weight reduce program.
The next morning....
The door bell gets ring and he surprise to see a huge black man was standing and shouts if I catch you - I will kiss you.
So run.............lol

Female: My lips are infected..
Doctor: How many times do you kiss?
Female: Once in a year!
Doctor: They are not infected rather they are rusted!!

World's smallest poem..
Life is big struggle...til wife is with you..

Please God,, Please intimate me 5 minute before dying that I am about to die.
Because I die without formatting my mobile.... It will be a big mess!

Wife: Suddenly gets up at 2 clock night... awakes her husband and asks:
Do you know the date of when you got your job?
Husband: yes, 8th April 2004
Wife: And your best friend's marriage date?
Husband: yes, 12th September 2009
Wife: Our new neighbor's age in our society?
Husband: 4 months
And you sister engagement date?
30gth July
But why are you asking this in mid of night? husband asks angrily..
Wife: Today is my birthday....
A ong silence.....

Presenting the World's Best Jokes for much better life

Life is much easier when you really do something you are capable of, with a smile on your face. People will be impressed to see your performance and will mistaken you are doing very hard work in your work but you know that you are enjoying while having fun because you are doing what you love to do. Hours pass like minutes and still you have that wish do more. This is called right choice baby.

Quick Jokes and funny stuff do the right thing for you baby so here we are going to help you by having the opportunity to let you read our newest collection of latest jokes.

But first let us aware you the endless benefits of having humor. Here are the major points here due to short of time:

1.) No space for boredom
2.) Liked by everyone
3.) Makes you most lovable person
4.) Health and no disease
5.) Double the energy
6.) Tension, oh place at all

A.) A man moves into a colony where people don't wear clothes. He receives a letter from his mom asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new place. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a that colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

After so much research, a man finds a book called "How to be the Man in your house". He goes through it and learns. After reading, he sets the book down stands up and says to his wife "From now onwards, my word is law. You will prepare and have ready a gourmet meal for me each evening on my return from work, you will then run me a bath, was my back and dry me off. We shall then make love the what I want to. Oh,and one more thing, guess who will be dressing me from head to toe in the morning", The wife looked up at him and replied " If I'm right it'll be the fkn undertaker"

B.) A guy walks into a pub and sits down next to a hunk with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" "No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."

C.) �Hi, my name is (your name), and you are... gorgeous!"

D.) �You�re like a dictionary. You add meaning to my life."

E.) �Oops, I think I lost my number. Can I have yours?"


F.) �I�m invisible. Can you see me? How about tomorrow night?"

G.) You: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
You: When you fell from Heaven.

H.) Why do we trust the banks with our money, but they don't trust us with their pens?

I.) He who runs in front of a car gets tired, but he who runs behind a car gets exhausted!

j.) you're so short you can sit on the curb and swing your legs.

K.) Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A HANDSOME INTELLIGENT SENSITIVE MAN?
A: A RUMOR.

L.) What does 0 say to 8?

Ans : Nice belt!

Day with Lots of Laughs

Filling your day with lots of laughs is the best way to live you life. It lighten up your heart and makes your mood cool. Benefits are endless. You should never fall in love with sadness and the best option is falling in for fun. As this blog is dedicated to providing the entertainment material, so here we share some of latest and most liked jokes ever.

Here we go:

A Bus full of wives going for a picnic crashed with no survivors.
Each Husband cried for a week.
But one husband continued for more than a month.
When asked he replied miserably... " My wife missed the Bus"


Spouse to Husband (on Phone): Dear, Can you talk for 2 seconds? Hope, you are not busy?
Husband: Yes! Why? What is it?
Wife: I have a Good and Bad news!
Husband: I want to hear only Good news, don't have time for the Bad
Wife: Fine, the Good news is that the Air Bags in our new Range Rower worked perfectly FINE! I reached home safe but car....Ok lets leave bad news..


Boyfriend can to his girl friend: Hello. how are you doing my love!
Girl: perfect sweetheart!
Boy: Can you please spare time to meet me during the weekend at my home alone?
Girl: Ops, I am sorry honey, I can't because I am going to attend my cousin's wedding and the next day I'll be too tired. sorry.
Guy: Ok as you wish but I was just planning to take you out for mall, surprise you with an smartphone, then buy you a new dress and the movie and much more..
Girl: Wow, I will be coming and I may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.
Guy: What about the wedding?
Girl: Which wedding, I was joking...
Guy: Me too...


Whats the difference between women and batteries?
Batteries have a positive side!


What's the difference between a normal birthday party, and a bulimic birthday party? At the bulimic birthday party, the cake jumps out of the girl instead of the girl jumping out of the cake.


What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin that pushed the first one.

Every week we add New Jokes and Quotes

"This funny humorous post is invented to add new quotes and jokes instantly as they come new in the market/mind. You can visit check enjoy it now and visit it again to check upcoming fun. So everybody - Get ready to laugh!"
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If hubby is head of the family then what is wife?
Wife is the neck of the family and can turn head anywhere!

Wife: I will not survive. I will be died!
Husband: I will also be died.
Wife: I have fever and going through big pain but why you will die?
Husband: I can not tolerate so big news of happiness.

In psychology class..
Professor has placed a cake and other side female rat.
Rat gone to cake.
Other time, they places bread and female rat. Than again it goes to bread.
Several times, they put different food items but rat never attracted to female rat.
Professor - It is proved that hunger is bigger than love.
One intelligent student: Sir, Will you please once try to replace the female rat? It may possible that existing female is its wife!!

"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I am doing." - Werner Von Braun

"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher

"It is difficult to keep quiet if you have nothing to say." - Malcolm Margolin

Man: I am very happy with life. Everything is just perfect. No problems, lot of free time and peace of mind.
Doctor: I got your nerve. You have lack of vitamin SHE!

Boys capability of keep balance should be examined when they are making pegs!
Crazies - They distribute it like they are sharing heaven's syrup! Cheers..

Lot of Laugh

No intro - because you know what we are going to do, is make you lot of laugh! so get ready..


The person who got married in hurry - has spoiled his life..
So what ! Who has married so calmly has the same results...
People make lot of fun on marriage where husband is only victim. If you are in this category - you can understand the above pun better.

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Wife: Will you please give me the news paper,please?
Husband: How backward you are! People have reached to moon... Please take my tablet and use it.
Wife: Taken the table and killed the cockroach with it..
Hubby: Insane!
lNever try to boast anything. First listen to your wife - they are always right. Over smartness kills that is what happens in above joke.

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Life is visiting card.. Wife is memory card.. Husband is a ATM card..
Girlfriend is a debit card, neighbor is greeting card, sister in law is recharge card.
Parents ate pan card. Brother in law a duplicate card. child is identity card.
But friends are perfect card, works everywhere!
Every relationship is like card so use them wisely and save some good one for lat minute usage.
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Two biggest lie of the world.
Female: Just getting ready in 2 minutes.
Male: Just coming home in 2 minutes.
World truth - and convert it as a part of humor.

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After marriage the shy boy got confused on how to start the conversation!
After long silence, he finally asks to his wife: Do your family know that you are going to stay here from tonight onward?
Shyness makes sometime dumbo. So this bridegroom asks a silly question out of fear and makes us smile.

Crazy, New but for above 18

Sorry, this time for being late, but better late than never. So here, again, bringing some of the best, crazy, corny, lovely, naughty jokes you ever heard but take care as this time they are for above 18 and have got some comic climax of couples..you know..lol..
So go down, and have fun..

1.) A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

2.) A blonde walked in on her husband having an affair. She was so angry she pulled out a gun and pointed to the woman's head. She was about to pull the trigger, when her husband said, "No, don't!" and she replied, "Shut up, you're next!"

3.) A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

4.) Man comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger with his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

5.) One day a girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for my special day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

6.)Two 4 year boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."

7.) "How old were you when it was cut off?"

8.) "My mother said I was just 2 days old."

9.) "Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

10.) "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

11.) Couple started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 11 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flash light!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past 7 minutes!"

12.) As an Air plane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

13.) Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you�ve got it made.

14.) His sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

Sequel of Jokes

Heartiest thanks to all readers for their outstanding response in UK/USA, encouraging/enabling us to write 'Sequel of Jokes' for non-stop entertainment, having more joyful time and ensuring, you live your life having enough laughter with friends and family. This time - our jokes are funny, short, latest, contain more comedy with well timing. You can understand the pranks more clearly and easily because they're now info-graphic. We trust that you all gonna make it as viral as its previous version.

Let us also lime light that bringing this thing into your daily life rally helps to live 100 percent of your time. Humor really gives you lots of hidden benefits like: you get energy, feel more refreshed, remove boredom, come more close to everyone, reduce stress, better blood pressure and much more. We do our best effort to keep it upgraded so that every tie you visit, you find some different, something meaningful, something to have fun with. So get ready for smile and keep exploring/sharing.


Once a man went to a marriage..

as he enters - there were 2 doors - the message was for friend and second relatives.. He enters in friends gate.
Again there were 2 doors - one was for ladies and another was for gents.. He enters in Gents..
Again there were 2 doors - One was for with gifts and another was for without gifts.. So he enters in without gift..
And he reaches on the street with message - shy on you - in my marriage without gift for meal.. huh

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Doctor: How your face burnt?
Man: I was ironing my clothes and phone rang and...
Doctor: Aha, but the another side of face burnt as well?
Man: Oh Doctor, these people are very dumb. Someone called again.

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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

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The man wanted to become a great Scientist like Nutone..
after long research - he wrote the forth law of motion.
"Loose motion can never be done in slow motion"

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What is the meaning of greet dot on tiger Biscuit..
It means - the Tiger is On line..

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Europe.. Europe who?
No your a poo..Lol

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Man called frantically into the phone: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Man shouted: No, this is her husband!

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Girl:Are you coming to my party tonight?
Boy:Ops - I am Sorry. I can not be there.
Girl: Why?
Boy: Because, I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon!

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I told him that look at that dead bird!
She looked up at the sky and said..."Where???"

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Just imagine, how many miles you have scrolled with mouse wheel.

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We teens are always full of energy until they say the words: clean up..

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Teacher: Why are you late?
Me: At least I came!

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Hahah..
Hey - I didn't fall - This floor just needed a big hug!

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My grandpa always told, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

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A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my brother gone crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 9:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 9:30?"

Go outside

Man to young guy: Have you ever seen Taj Mahal or Easter Island's Moais,?
boy: No..
Man: Haha, go sometimes to see the world outside!!
Next day: Again, that man asks to same guy - Have you ever seen Pyramids of Giza?
Boy: No..
Man: Lol, go sometimes and see the world outside!
The another day - That man asks to boy - Have you ever seen.. the boy immediately interrupted him asking...
Do you know James?
Man: No
Boy: Lol, go sometimes, see what is happening in your home.. inside..

Never Ending Jokes

Somethings like jokes, never ends. There are always millions of things to laugh at. Daily uncountable people get up and start a new chapter of thier lives, and somehow in their daily activities, numberless funny situations arise. People like us just grab those instances and give you a good material have fun or to share with anyone to create a good laughter.

So here, we are here adding some good newest funny pranks to add more value into our never ending journey of entertaining your world.

Wife: Can u help me in the gardening?
Husband: What do u think I am...a gardener?
Wife: Can u fix the door handle?
Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter?
Next day, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this ?
Wife: Our neighbour.
But he gave me two options.....Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure u must have given him a burger. Wife: What do u think I am.......McDonalds?!!


Boss: Do you take anything seriously?
Employee: Yes..My phone's low battery warning!!

One of stupidest question ever: What is my Nationality?

If 7 out of 12 people suffer from skin injuries does that mean the 5 of them enjoy!

Now, which way should I choose?
To the left, where nothing is right...
OR
To the the right, where nothing�s left?

Either you like me, or you're gone mad!

If they count the speed of light, do they also notice the speed of dark?

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Simple -- To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
Well -- To stamp out burning ducks.

Best way to reduce weight!
First turn your neck to the right and then to the left.Repeat this exercise everytime when you're offered something to eat!

Love plus....

Love + Care = other
Love + Fear = Dad
Love + Company = Sister
Love + Fight = Brother
Love + Life = Girlfriend
Love + Enjoyment = Frineds
Love + Care + Fear + Fight + Life + Enoyment = Wife

So married life is really easy, it is just like a walk in the park...but the problem is that the park is... 'Jurassic Park'...

New in Market

I know you must be fed up from hearing those repeated jokes again and again. Well, do not worry - we are here to update you with fresh ones. We do lot of researches so that you get the newest. Your smile is our target - and we take it very seriously. WE wish you shall be laughing all the time. It gonna make you healthier and attractive personality. Enough - now go below - and read these new in the market.


Wife is house queen..
Does her own things..
Get irritates when given a work.
Gets happy when goes to shopping!

Rat: In a party had 4 glasses of Beer!
Cat: It is party, otherwise you would have dead!
Rat:Run from here..Otherwise people will say that I am beating a female after drunk!

Whether you are in love or being beaten by a mosquito - Results will be same..
No sleep whole nigh!!!

Dr: How do you come here?
Patient: Not feeling well!
Dr.: Do you take alcohol?
Patient: Yes, but please make it small!!

Friend: How did you teeth break?
Man: Wife has made so hard breads!
Friend: So you should have denied from eating!!
Man: That is what I did!!!

Compounder:Why do you stare girls while standing here o regular basis?
Man: Because it is written in you notice board - 11 - 1 - time to see females!!

09 jokes you can easily share anywhere

Are confused about what to share when you want to make the atmosphere light? Well, here we are coming up with these light, clean and simple jokes to be shared at this moment, no matters what your audience are!

Here we move:

1) Man standing at ATM machine!
Thief: Get and withdraw all the money and give it to us!
Man: But I do not have ATM!
Thief: Than what are you doing here?
Man: Just to chill myself in their air conditions.

2) World's three vary innocent faces:
A- Sleeping child.
B- The person who is asking to for give some money!
C- Our Friend who is sitting in front of our parent!

3) When did the king die?
In his last war!

4)What is the main reason of divorce?
Marriage!

5) In which state biggest rives flows?
Liquid!

6) When our Prime Minister birth?
On his Birthday!

7)How will you divide 7 mangoes between 10 people?
By making Mango Shake!

8)In whole year, where maximum ice fall?
In Glass of wine!

9) Wife (Angrily): I just can not believe this! You forgot my birth day! How dare you!
Hubby (in very tempting voice): Darling, how can you expect me to remember this day when you never look any older!
Wife: Really, my love?
Hubby: Yes, Honey... (thinking - Thank God, I recall the dialogue at right time, otherwise, I would have dead today)

Not is Sure, so instead of waiting for perfect time, why not to en-cash what you have right now! Finding the correct time is very rare. You have create it, and the right time is now, live it and rest will fall on places itself.

Those Strange Things

Sometimes, unknowingly they say some things, that become a laughing stiock for all of us, so lets limelight those great funny events!

1) Oops, I lost my cell!
It is in your jeans!
Oh hello! Don't go to my family in this regard.

2) I understand your problem, but on the other hand...
You have more fingers!

3) What does that innocent watch do when it feels hungry?
I think it goes back for seconds.

4) Oh please, don't just let your mind wander..
It is far too small to be let out on its own!

5) I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

6) What happens when chemists die..
They barium!

7) Sometime I get so much anger on you but when make myself chill when I think that you are so naturally funny because your life is a joke!

8) I don't want everything but at-least God can bless me with Good company, Fame & money. intelligent friends, amazing girlfriend and supportive family!

9) Hey, Age is just a number. Yeah, and jail is just a room!

10) Slap yourself if you find 85% of the contacts in your my cell are useless!

11) I feel special when mosquitoes go crazy for me.

12) Just do it. Procrastination: working tomorrow for a better today!

13) In traffic, I horn a lot and get angry on the person who is ahead of me and expect the patience of the person who is behind me!

Now Walk

Every girls wants a sweet caring loving husband. ..
But I can't be complete every girl's wish. ..sorry!

Married life is so simple, Its just like a walkin the park.!!
BUT the problems is that the Jurassic-park...Jurassic Park... Now walk!

Some Craziest Dumbest Statements

When Mr. Romeo tells Miss Juliet that she's fat!

Well, he doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes and inspirational quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world.

Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren't "so blessed".

Is there any jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them.

My friends think that I got Right woman in my life but they don't yet know that she is 'Always Right'!

2 Doors

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.

What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

With a Broken Pencil

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

What did Zero say to number Eight?

sigh

Coolest, craziest and simplest

Whether you're sitting idle or busy in any project, you can always spare some minutes to relax your mind and soul. No, no you need not to put any special effort for doing it, because we're giving you some of the coolest, craziest and simplest jokes for this purpose. They are one or two line long so no crack them when you get a chance.

What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.

Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."

Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin

Why don't seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they would be bagels!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A-buck-an-ear

I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.

What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.

Get a Hole

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!

Guide to understanding a net addiction on various days:-
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.

Silliest Complaints Ever - You Must Go Through

After receiving strange but eye opening complaint from a user, Microsoft decided not to invest further in computers..

Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!

Dear Owner,

I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.

#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.

#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?

#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.

#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.

#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.

#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?

#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.

#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!

#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!

#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?

Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.

Insult

What if you sleep into something more comfortable? Emhh... Like a coma!

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

Ever you hear that?
What?
That.. that sound of no-one caring!

You seem like a black hole of need.

Don't take me as totally useless - use me for that practice!

90% of majority people live and learn, but 10% like you.. just live!

Does this mean our plans for tonight are off or your girlfriend is joining in?

A good male doesn't just happen. He has to be created by us women.

Are you hot but uncomfortable yet?

A man can sleep around no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.

The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

All Men

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.

A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.

Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

Just insignificant

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.

Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.

Would like to live with?

A kid was standing in court beside a judge. His parents were getting divorce and the judge asked him which parent he would like to live with.

With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!

"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".

The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"

Beautiful or Cute?

Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says �Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!

Thoughtful and touching thing

One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."

Belt get locked

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Girl After Wine

When a girl takes Alcohol, there are lots of funny dramatic things happen with her. She does lots of daring and amusing tasks. Before and after drink, there is world of difference between her personality. Lets have a look at them:

You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.

You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.

You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'

You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.

You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.

It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.

You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.

At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.

You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.

When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.

You are not obnoxious

You are not obnoxious like so many other people..
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

Great legs

In a club, there was some big fat bird dancing on that table.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.

What's WRONG with me

A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....

With Your Wife

A man goes to a bar and asks for a beer.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

New French tank

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Snowman with a vampire

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Make a tissue dance

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!

Psycho path

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

The airplane

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
Me!!!

Why are you late?

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Farmer's wife

How did the farmer's wife get the chickens in to the pot?
She told them it was a chicken jacuzzi.

Too much weight

How do you let your wife know that she is putting on too much weight?
You give her a certificate with the title "NUTRITIONAL OVERACHIEVER"!

Muscle spasms

How much do you exercise?
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!

Snowplow

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
By miracle!

Half the chicken

Why did half the chicken cross the road?
To get to his other side!

No walls

What kind of rooms have no walls?
Mushrooms.

A mole and an eagle

Q: What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
A: They both live underground, apart from the eagle.

Lift up

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted both, he would fall over!

Illness

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

Chicken coop

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had 4, it'd be a chicken sedan!

Call a chicken

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion

Playing basketball

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

The florist

Did you hear about the florist who had two kids?
One was a budding genius and the other was a blooming idiot.

Your point of view.

I'd love to see things from your point of view..
But..
What?
But I can not seem to get my head that far up your ass.

The thing to laugh in this joke is some people's mind is not located in head. They always talk strange. So indirectly, he is making fun of his stupid unrelated suggestions. I know you too have that kind of person in your circle, so why not to use it.

Newspaper

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get the newspaper!

Imagining chickens doing so can make anyone giggle. They are really so cute but seems to be too busy in their work. Their innocence forces to joke about them.

Go down

What does is smell like to go down on a 75 year old woman?
Depends.

What a bad guy, for the age of 75 year old female, he still finds some chances! isn't it? Everyone else would have been said a big NO!

A pirate in bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants.

Bartender says, "Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"

Pirate says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Brown chicken v/s Brown cow

What do you get when a brown chicken has sex with a brown cow?
Brown chicken brown cow (answering in sing-songy 'bow chicca bow now').

Two pairs of trousers

Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
In case they had a hole in one.

Uniforms and Helmets

What crawls and wears uniforms and helmets?
Army ants.

On and off

Why was the firefly flashing on and off?
His light was on the blink.

Call cheese

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

Chicken coop

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Attracting a squirrel

How do you attract a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

Money in freezer

Why did the blonde put her money in the freezer?
As she wanted cold hard cash!

Finding Corner

How do you make a blonde go crazy?
Tell her to sit in the corner of a circular room!

Cheerios box

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"Omg, Donut seeds!"

Not long enough

A couple are trying to set up a new password for their a/c.
The husband puts, "My that" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Dialing 911

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

Polar bears vote

Where do polar bears vote?
At the north poll!

Hen-pecked

A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen.

Skeletons fight

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Water and boat

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Yeah, right

Teacher: Two positives can't equal a negative
Student: Yeah, right!

For lunch

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
fission chips!

Worker

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
!Oh snap!

Dinosaurs

Why can't dinosaurs speak English?
Because they're dead!

Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date

1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make�
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever�
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?
? Gena Showalter

Golfer's advantage

What advantage does a golfer have over a fisherman?
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Dad's Age

Them: How old is your dad?
Me: As old as me.
Them : How can that be?
Me: He became a father only when I was born.

Getting on my nerves

Sheila: That boy is getting on my nerves.
Rosie: What nonsense -- he is not even looking at you!
Sheila: That is what is getting on my nerves.

Question

Larry: Can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

A tick and a lawyer

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Finest Lie

Two kids were arguing when the teacher entered.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Kid: We found a 20 dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the finest lie.
Teacher: Sham on you. When I was your age I didn�t even know what a lie was.
The kid gave bill to the teacher.

Far worse way

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.