Z154

Z153

Treat your Girlfriend like a tooth brush....
Dont let anyone touch or use it, only you and
you alone....
Keep it clean and safe.....
And please, remember to change it after every 3
months.
Its healthy.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Z152

The man approached a very beautiful woman in
the large supermarket and asked, "You know,
I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can
you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful
woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Z151

Attendance in Church last sunday
1. People = 85
2. Bibles = 27
3. Phone Chargers = 307
4.. Power banks 132.         
God is watching .

Last Seen:
Whats app -1 minago
Facebook -2mins ago
Twitter-5mins ago
Instagram    10mins- ago
Bible      last seen. 2015
Beer  -online.
God is watching!
Going to another group to announce to them🎙

Z150

Zuma : I have your daughter
Malema : Bring my daughter back you rubbish
Zuma : How much do you have?
Malema : I'll give you R500 000
Zuma : Hell no I want something with million
inside
Malema : Okay I'll give you half a million
Zuma : Now you talking
😂😂😂😂😎😜

Z149

STUPID KID: A boy was looking at his mother's driving license card. It was written SEX:" F " , he then started laughing until the mother asked why he was laughing. The boy said "I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you even got an" F." Now i understand why Daddy left you.
🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊

Z148

A little fun economics to lighten up your day ....

Wife to her Accountant husband:
what is inflation?
Husband:
Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are
48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before.
This is INFLATION .😜

Economics is not that difficult if we have the right examples.
Interviewer: What is Recession?
Candidate: When "Wine & Women" get replaced by "Water & Wife", that critical phase of life is called Recession!!😜

Accountancy fact:
What is the difference between Liability & Asset?
A drunk friend is liability.
But,
A drunk Girlfriend is an Asset.
😜😜😜😜😜

An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having 2 wifes.
A- Monopoly should be broken.
B- Competition improves the quality of service.
If u have 1 wife, She fights with u!
If u have 2 wives, They will fight for u!
Feel the difference & decide
Disclaimer:
Sender is not having any such experience and not responsible for any side effects..
----------------------------
When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You wonder, what happened.
----------------------------
Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning,
every wife treats her husband as GOD..
Later, somehow don't know why..
alphabets get reversed..
----------------------------
Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!
----------------------------
Don't laugh alone pass it on !!🌌 😄😄

Z147

Manchester United stress can make you look for a seat belt in the toilet..

This kind of stress can make you go to a funeral of someone you don't know just to cry so hard without anyone judging you.

If you are not careful It can make u dial your lover's number on the microwave
😂😂

Z146

Mourinho's wife (early this morning): Wake up Jos�, it's five.
Mourinho: WHAT they've scored another goal? Wife: No, it's
5am.????????????

Z145

😜Qoute of the Day😜
Relationships are like Zimbabweans
Most of them are not working😜😛😝

Z144

A young mosquito went out flying for the first time in it's life. The father asked, how does it feel? The mosquito replied, it was great! Everyone was clapping for me. The father replied, they weren't clapping for you. They wanted to kill you, the more they clapped, the more chances you are likely to die.
LESSON:
In life, not all the people who celebrate you are well wishers. So be watchful,  cos the enemy that will kill will not come with a sword, but with a smile!

Z143

A man caught a thief at night in his kitchen. With aloud voice  the thief said; ...Do you remember what I said in the Bible? " that I will come like a thief in the night,so stay awake". I have come again and this time its in your house. You are blessed among all men because you have stayed awake as I told you. And the man looked at him with a flinty smile and said sorry 'Jesus', you have again fallen into the house of Pontius Pilate, I will crucify you today. 😂😂😂😂

Z142

A man caught a thief at night in his kitchen. With aloud voice  the thief said; ...Do you remember what I said in the Bible? " that I will come like a thief in the night,so stay awake". I have come again and this time its in your house. You are blessed among all men because you have stayed awake as I told you. And the man looked at him with a flinty smile and said sorry 'Jesus', you have again fallen into the house of Pontius Pilate, I will crucify you today. 😂😂😂😂

Z141

STUPID KID:

A boy was looking at his mother's driving license card. It was written SEX:" F " , he then started laughing until the mother asked why he was laughing.

The boy said "I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you even got an" F."

Now i understand why Daddy left you.
🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊

Z140

Teacher : Our topic for today is photosynthesis,,,,Ben what is photosynthesis??
Ben : Photosynthesis is our topic for today.

🗣huyai mutore vana venyu
l quit!!

Z139

Nobody teaches Volcanoes how  to erupt,
Nobody teaches Tsunamis how to devastate,
Nobody teaches Hurricanes how to sway around
And
No one teaches a man How to choose a wife,

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN...😜😜😜

Z138

Pliz dont make a woman cry, for a womans tears are expensive. When a single drop comes out, it mixes with Loreal eyeliner-$11,50, and Revlon mascara-$18,50.When it rolls down the cheek it further mixes with D &G blusher-$15, and Mac powder-$9,50. Finally when it gets to the lips it mixes with Maybelline lipstick-$12 and Avon lipgloss-$4,50.This means a single tear drop is ruining about $70. Pliz dont make them cry.
At least make men cry coz its only vaseline-$1,50.

Z137

If my wife is cheating on me & you decide to tell me, then you owe me a new wife...
I can't be single because you couldn't mind your own business.

Z136

Indians don't play soccer because once the referee gives them a corner they want to open a shop....```

😂😂😂😂😂

Z135

WELCOME TO SOUTH AFRICA
1. Where Beer is important than Water.
2. Where sex is free but love is costly.
3. Where crime & rape is higher than education.
4. Where funerals is a platform for fashion, style & gossip.
5. Where having sex is magic, a baby appears & the father disappears.
6. Where social grant form is more important than job application form

Enjoy our south african life style 👊

Z134

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Z133

*Eddy* offers a  drink to *Evelyn*.

*Evelyn*: No thanx, I don't take whisky, its bad for my legs!
*eddy*: legs? Dats strange, do they swell or hurt?
*Evelyn*: No, they open easily!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Z132

: A married lawyer made love to his girlfriend inside his car one day. The girl enjoyed it so much that she forgot her panty. On getting home, his wife saw the girls panty in the car. She got mad and tore it into pieces screaming. Honey! Honey!! Honey!!! What's this? The lawyer calmly replied. My God, you've just destroyed evidence of a rape case worth millions of pounds. She quickly fell on her knees apologizing. Honey please forgive me, God will bring another one! ......😳😳😳😳😳

Z133

When asked the similarities between A Woman & Alcohol...

Shakespeare Replied :-
They both have the amazing Qualities of giving Pleasure at Night and a Headache in the Morning !

Z132

After being appointed minister, a former government critic was asked why he stopped criticizing the government.

 He replied, "In Africa it's bad manners to talk while you are eating."??

Z131

Police Officers Biblical Defence on Bribery.

A police officer stopped a pastor for speeding.

The Pastor seeing trouble, yelled back: “I am a pastor to church not a thief”

The officer replied: “Please, leave that pastor thing. Anyway, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car. Bring it.”

The Pastor speedily brought out his Bible to prove his honesty and to be freed.

“Please read Matthew 5:25-26 to me.” Said the police man.

Incredulously, Pastor opened the recommended text and it reads: “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny”

The perplexed man of God upon interpretation “QUIETLY” made an “offering” of a "few shillings" to his newly found “preacher”.

The Officer collected his bribe and said to the pastor, “End of the matter. Go quickly in peace and never argue that policemen collect bribe. We only settle matters quickly and peacefully with all offenders instead of taking them to court to be thrown into prison. It's part of our job.

Z130

I remember when I was a kid my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill at Zesa but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car at our school. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside our house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from Zesa, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

Z129

WOMEN VS. MEN

WOMEN ARE FICKLE MINDED:
At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50, they want faithful men.

MEN ARE VERY SIMPLE:
At 18, they want pretty young girls.
At 25, they want pretty young girls.
At 40, they want pretty young girls.
At 50, they want pretty young girls.

Z128

MEDICAL FACT

A NEW longest muscle in the body
has just been discovered. It is called palpebral
anal muscle connecting the upper eye lid to the
anus. That is the reason why when you blink an
eye the anus opens.

OKAY!

I bet u r now busy blinking your eye to feel if the anus will open up. 😃 😀😀😀.

Z130

WHAT IS WITCHCRAFT???


Witchcraft is when a guy knows deep down his heart that he wont marry you but cant let you go

????????????????????

Z129

Him: Babe are you ok?????
Her: I'm Pregnant ??
Him : What? But we used protection ??
Her : Did I say its yours?? ????

Z128

If you're uncircumcised,  there's no need to use a condom, just tie your foreskin and enjoy ????!!

Z127

If she removes both her jeans and panty at the same time. . . use a  condom??????

#ministry of health ?????????

Z125

Girl: I want a man who can give me 50% of his salary.
.
Guy: My dear sister, Even God Said we give him 10% of our salary.. Who do u think you are..??God's Mother??..

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Z126

Why condoms are packed in 3s, 6s &
12s
A man walks into a drug store with
his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the
boy Asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man
Matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively.
"I've heard of that in health class at
school."
He looks over the display and picks
up a package of 3 and asks, Why are
there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high
school boys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy... He notices a 6
pack and asks, "Then, who are these
for?
"Those are for college men," the dad
answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then,
who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the
dad replied, "Those are for married
men. One for January, one for
February, one for March....up to
December"
The boy replied; "I am not getting
married. 😀😀

Z126

Man was sentenced 5 yrs in jail.After the jail term he
went home and pleaded with the village head to
call all villagers as he had somethng to say to them.
The village head did likewise and the villagers
gathered at an open space.
The ex-conivict then stood up with an axe in his hand and said,"as u all know that i was in jail for 5
yrs,during my absence there was a man who took
advantage of this situation and had a love affair
with my wife.
The man is here in our midst and i have decided to
go back to jail after i have killed this man. He said these words as he moves into the croud.
Seven men stood up and started to run away,,,The
man fainted upon seeing that among those
running away was,his father,younger brother,his
two friends and the village head himself.

Z124

Hahahahahah
Ladies,Have you ever seen a handsome smart composed guy driving slowly and packs the lexus/forester near your vits and says a calm hey with a smile then enters a supermarket? You also enter pretending you were going there.He picks a small troley and your mind goes: wow he is single.he must be picking a packet of milk and the small toothpaste.
He picks the big packet of pumpers medium.
Nkt!
You are like; I must make sure he doesn't think I wanted him.
So you pick the same and say to him ....mmh seems our babies are of the same age huh.....
'Oh,actually these are for my nephew.My sister in law requested me to pick for her on my way home.....congrats for being a mother.'
He leaves immediately and you are almost shouting.....'hey what a coincidence,these are for my cousin's baby...'
Satan  is real.😂😂

Z123

*The Perfect Man*

- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- always punctual
- prays daily
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp

Such a perfect man can only be found in....

*JAIL*

Z122

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of drugs(cocaine).
"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again!"
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Said the policeman as he laughed. I then replied, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." The policeman said as he smiled. Handing me the bag.
After flushing them, the policeman looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. Police said "The drugs!" I replied, "What drugs?

Ways to Laugh - Jokes, Comedy Shows, Funny Inc and more

Some people are so humorous that they find a reason have laughter in any situation. Actually, they know how important it is to enjoy in life so they do.

This proverb is right that where there is a will, there is a way. If you also want to make yourself as well as others laugh some popular sources are as follows:

1.) Jokes: Yes, it the decades, this source is the best way to have fun. It gives you 2 benefits. One is your communication skill improves. You speak alot and your expressions come out. People understand you better. And the second benefit is you become their favourites. They like you and they appreciate you approach.
Now you must be thinking that where to find the good Joke or you listen many of them but when it comes to share - you go black. Isn't it? Well, this happens with everybody. So the best way is to just Google it. Which type of material you should share - It depends on your audience and situation. With kids, you can share some knock knock jokes and with your friends - some naughty ones where it comes to family - you must find some clean, and when you are in hurry - short one are the best. The main aim is to create a funny and light atmosphere.


2.) Comedy shows: This one is in trend now. Television is growing like anything. Comedy/laughter shows are having the highest TRPs. People love standing comic shows and enjoy them. This is the good source of fun. You can sit with your family and have the ultimate time together. Life is busy so you are but this entertainment industry is doing the best efforts to make the people laugh. It has got win win situation for them. They are doing good cause as well as earning handsome amount if money through advertisers.

3.) Sharing a funny incident: First, learn to laugh at yourself. This is the first rule when you wanna have fun. So never hesitate to share any silly moment where you had made a big mistake and dare to laugh at your silly incidents and let the laugh along with you.

4.) Watching a hilarious movie: Of-course, this option is great. Go for it and use the time well. This is value for money. Your one and half hour of time can be proved a great relaxation for your mind. It is good break and you gonna have real fun. Enjoy with your friends and family.


5.) Spending time with Kids: Kids are face of God. Their smile, their naughty behaviour and their way of doing the things, and questions makes your time well use. It is not bad to be a kid and have a blast. Even 30 minutes time can make you feel so good. They will make you the happiest person on this earth. Their innocence and love will create a wonderful world for your. So whenever you get a chance, just grab it.

6.) Joining laughter clubs: Artificial laughter is as good as natural. These laughter clubs are made to do this exercise only and you gonna have numerous health benefits with this. Make a world better and have this trick with your fellows.

We all know that life is too short to take tensions still we take it, live with it, sleep thinking about it and life ends so we repent. It is never too late to live life from the beginning. At the end, only good work will be remembered. Meet people with enthusiasm, greet them in good way, appreciate them and enjoy whatever you have, wherever you go and with whomsoever you meet,